Krampus, The Christmas Monster

So, I've been a bad blogger of late.  No posts in four weeks, and only five since the beginning of August.  I've slipped into the same trap that all casual bloggers fall into: the No Obligation To A Regular, Paying Readership Trap.

Not that nothing's been happening.  I've been telling everyone about this enormous blog post I have brewing, concerning my recent relocation to Boston.  How it's an escape from the music reviews, Dick In A Box jokes, and other stupid links that usually litter the landscape around these parts.  But the post has become clogged up.  The works have been gummed.  It currently discusses things that happened "yesterday," in reference to October 5th.  It's kind of a shame... I was hoping I could use a more substantial, personal post to signal my return from blogging obscurity.

But no.  Here's a stupid link.

The speaker below is Spencer Krug of Wolf Parade, Sunset Rubdown (the subject of the link), and more side projects than you have fingers to count them with.  In reference to Sunset Rubdown's latest album art:

Pitchfork: What is on the back cover [of Random Spirit Lover]?

SK: Oh, that's the monster.

Pitchfork: Obviously.

SK: That's Krampus. In Austria, at Christmas they have Santa Claus, but he's also followed by Krampus, who kind of beats children on the head if they're bad, and I think if I remember correctly, if they've been really bad, puts them in a basket and takes them away.

And I read an article [about the tradition], and if you look at pictures in Austria around Christmas, way more people are running around in costume dressed as this thing. And, like, partying, hanging around fires. And the costumes get really elaborate. So you can imagine being five years old, and being taught that this thing is going to come get you, and having the people chasing after you--

Pitchfork: That really changes the meaning of Christmas.

Krampus.  For those scoring at home, the question was "but... what about the children???" and Austria's answer was "have a horned freak hit them on their heads."  I'm just stunned that the people who brought you Hansel and Gretel and the Pied Pedophile also came up with a Christmas monster who puts misbehaving children in fucking baskets.

Don't let my sarcasm deceive you.  I've got a fever, and the only prescription is more Krampus.  The Venture Bros. is a start, but let's actually get him signed to a multi-year personal services contract.  Once he signs, the other companions of Saint Nicholas will follow, and hell will rain down on all the children of America.  Please, God, send your humble servant Krampus to our shores, as was prophesied in the book of Mark: "and God did so love the world, that He gave his only Krampus. / And lo did Krampus beateth the shit / out of those begotten by the meek."

I Cannot Agree More With This Sentiment

Die Yuppie Kickball.  Indeed.  This site wins the internet for all sorts of reasons:

• Their visual mission statement.
• Analysis
• Pranks
• They link to this guy.  Fuck the heck?!?  What's stupider... hating Wonderland, thinking to evaluate it based on its "kickball bar" attibutes, or trumpeting how big a moron you are all over the internet?

[h/t DCist] 

Creative Arts Emmy In A Box

How was my day made?  By learning that "Dick In A Box" won an Emmy for best original song.  Huzzah!  For just one night, sanity and boxed genitals reigned supreme.

Does it make up for the hideous Oscar-night loss by "Uncle Fucker" seven years ago?  Absolutely not.  That's a pain that not even time can heal.  But far be it from me to begrudge the success of two guys who gift-wrapped their penises for Kwanzaa.

Additional props to Andy Samberg for his acceptance speech:

"I think it's safe to say that when we first set out to make this song, we were all thinking 'Emmy!'" Samberg said in accepting the award Saturday for best original music and lyrics.

"The other thing we were thinking was, 'Hey! Here's this young up and comer, Justin Timberlake, who is clearly very talented and could clearly use a break,'" Samberg said. "So, Justin, if you're out there, congrats to you, kid."

Finally, check out the end of this CNN story (feel free to skip everything about the obnoxious attention whore) for a fantastic summary of the "Dick In A Box" video:

Andy Samberg of "SNL" said Saturday that he had yet to be asked by the TV academy to perform the tune with Timberlake on the Fox broadcast, but he was willing. Timberlake, on a concert tour, is scheduled to be in Los Angeles next weekend.

The subject of their "(Blank) in a Box" video: wrapping a certain part of the male anatomy and presenting it to a loved one as a holiday present.

Give that man a Pulitzer.  I could never have boiled "Dick In A Box" down to its essence so perfectly.  I would have loved to be the guy who took a crack at it, though.

Today's Nugget Of Truth

Not that a catfight between Nas and Bill O'Reilly over the former's upcoming performance at Virginia Tech is newsworthy or important, but I really enjoyed how downright sane Nas sounds here.  [h/t Idolator]

The best part is the truest part: "You can't talk to a person like that."  PWN3D!!!  You can't damn someone's point of view any more effectively and finally than Nas did.  Nicely done.  If only he'd taken on Jay-Z with such force, maybe he wouldn't have disappeared for all those years.

You Know How I Know You're Batman?

You macraméd yourself a Batsuit.

How Many Mutha Uckas?

Too many to count, mutha uckas...



If you think you can acquire a taste for this, I urge you to do so.

BAT BOY, NOOOO!!!

Bad news, America... the Weekly World News is shutting down operations.  Probably because the internet does a much better job of providing weird stories, with the added benefit that the stories are real.  When the only true story you run in almost 30 years is Bat Boy, you know you're in trouble.

Anyway, another publishing death we can blame on the internet.  Stupid internet.  I hate a inernet.  Ef a dumb inernet is a dumb.

Rock Beats Scissors, Gun Beats Rock, Chateau Malescot St-Exupéry Beats Gun

While reading this week's Chatological Humor (a.k.a. Tuesdays With Moron, hahaha) there was mention of a recent incident near Lincoln Park here in DC, wherein a gunpoint robbery at a wine and cheese party was foiled by offering the would-be assailant wine and cheese.

My thoughts on this are scattered...

* This is the sort of thing that a screenwriter or novelist could have written, using the "imagine what's expected, then imagine the opposite of that" rule.

* It's a beautiful example of humanity and kindness overpowering antagonism.  The only thing that could have made it better is if the robber left the wine glass behind.

* Actually, it's just a beautiful example of humanity and kindness period.

* Not to mention poise and courage.  It takes courage to watch someone put a gun to the head of a 14-year-old girl and not exacerbate the situation with your fear.  That they not only composed themselves, but went so far as to be civil to this person, is astounding.

* On the flip side, I wonder how many people are sincerely outraged that none of the victims thought to disarm the guy during the "group hug" sequence.  I wonder if those same people have considered what consequences their suggestion would have had on the story, or whether they themselves would have been successful.

* Weingarten's point was spot-on: how likely is it that the gun was loaded?  Probably not very.  Would the victims have considered this in their calculations?

* Were they calculating at all?  Was this truly spontaneous, or did this just happen to be their collective fight-or-flight mechanism in all its weird glory?  (I never knew that "food" was an appropriate answer to "fight or flight.")

Either way, it makes for great reading.

The Tube Of Boob

(If only such a magnificent apparatus existed...)

Before I get into it, I wanted to note my tendency to review things almost exclusively in ones and threes. How many pairs of things have I reviewed without either comparing or contrasting? Or dare I say both? (Four, of course, is right out.) That's all I had to say on that. Just thought it was weird.

THE OFFICE (US)



Finally got around to the American version. It is indeed a different beast. It's not nearly as historic as the British version, and Michael Scott isn't anywhere close to the singularity of David Brent. On the other hand, they manage to make every single character in the office memorable and insightful.

But it's certainly reached the stage where the comparisons must end. The new version is consistently funny and fantastically written. A great sitcom.

JOHN FROM CINCINNATI



I love this show. It defies explanation; no demographic pigeonholing is possible. Not a comedy, not a family drama in the strictest sense, not a show "about surfing," not an angry man's weirdo HBO show... just an ingenious little story about forgiveness.

Its structure reminds me of The Wire, in that not a lot happens on a daily basis, but the universe of the show is so compelling that nobody cares. Six episodes in, I'd say only three or four things have actually happened. And that sparseness doesn't matter, not even a little. Imperial Beach is just that fascinating, in and of itself.

The amazing, iconic dialogue these characters have been given certainly helps. John's tendency to parrot sentences contributes to the iconic feel of each turn of phrase, but they're also great turns of phrase to begin with. I can't get over the incredible stuff they come up with on a weekly basis for Ed O'Neill... off-the-charts hilarious and heartbreakingly sad and crazy at the same time. He's both the most and least normal person on the show. But this is a guy at the periphery of what action there is... and he's totally gripping.

Most of all, it's impressive that they can shape such coarse dialogue into a show that has so much soul. No show has its heart in the right place more than this one.

Strongly recommended to anyone with a little patience.

FREAKS & GEEKS



I have watched two episodes, but it only took the first episode for me to lose my shit that this show got fucking cancelled. I'm totally beside myself right now.

This show should be taught in schools. This show gets Judd Apatow a free pass for life. So he wants to make a TV show about paint drying? Give the man a chance! That's how good it is.

And yet it was aborted before being given any kind of a chance. There's more genius in fifteen minutes of Freaks & Geeks than you'll find in entire seasons of shows that weren't cancelled. JAG was on the air for ten seasons. FUCKING TEN!!! I can't name a single notable thing about that show, and it got 242 episodes. (I looked.) And these knucklehead networks can't figure out a way to keep a show full of broke-ass nobodies on the air? Out of 22 hours of prime-time programming every week, they can't take one hour and devote it to vegetables... it's all gotta be ice cream. What a joke. Fuck you, NBC.

The only explanation that makes any sense is that the show was somehow cancelled by accident. Like, they meant to cancel one of the fourteen Law & Order spinoffs, but some first-day-on-the-job intern clicked the wrong button by accident, and by the time someone figured out what had happened it was too late. That makes sense, because at least the incompetence can be chalked up to human error.

Yeah. This is all after two episodes. I have no idea what else happens, but I strongly suspect that whatever comes next won't change my mind.

So I guess I haven't really said anything yet. Turns out I'm angrier about the cancellation than I am insightful about the show. But I have some basic impressions:

• Seth Rogen is a genius.
  
• Jason Segel is a genius.
• Martin Starr is a genius.
• Screw it, they're all fucking geniuses.
• Even James Franco is a genius. Who knew he had an actual pedigree??? I'm stunned. I mean, I thought he was good given the expectations of yet another cookie-cutter James Dean wannabe... but he's pretty good without any qualifiers. Like, you can tell he's bigger than the show. I never would have guessed.
  
• I found myself getting kinda attached to Linda Cardellini, and feeling like a creep about it. I mean, she's in high school, right? So I felt all weird and dirty... until I found out she was about 24 years old when she made the show. Sweet! I don't have to go to jail!
  

I admit that this wasn't much of a review. "This show kicks ass" doesn't help much. But hey, I haven't exactly seen it either, so I shouldn't say much anyway, right? I just know what I love, and I love this.

And NBC... go fuck yourself. Did I say that already? Well, just in case, fuck all of you. Seriously. Because apparently the rest of the world agrees, for the most part. That's right. Eat shit, NBC. Eat my shit. All of it.

Knocked Up

Given my love of The 40-Year Old Virgin, one of the defining films (let alone comedies) of the decade, a letdown was inevitable. But I was still expecting a lot more than I got from Knocked Up, which tries and fails to resonate like its predecessor.

The heart of my objection is in Knocked Up's refusal to play by its own rules. The film is littered with astute observations about parenthood, marriage, and adulthood. But the sheer quantity of laughably contrived behavior on the part of each main character invalidates all of those observations. The setting is Sturges, but the story is Shadyac, i.e. a bunch of horseshit. It's a sheep in wolf's clothing... a fairy tale hot dog slathered with the mustard of modern-day moral philosophy. (Sorry.)


A model relationship... circa 1832

Don't get me wrong. Knocked Up is hilarious. Just as a comedy, it succeeds. But once it starts taking itself and its story seriously, the whole thing falls apart. It tries to be more than just a funny movie, and fails. While I respect the effort, its failures reflect on the rest of the movie.

Instead of another 40YOV, it's another Wedding Crashers... a very funny movie with lots of caveats.