Friday, December 30, 2005

Homeland Security Update: T.F. Green Edition

On my way back to Maryland a couple days ago, at T.F. Green Airport (Bruce Sundlun Terminal!) in Providence, I checked a bag.  There's an x-ray machine that each bag has to go through... every bag, that is, except mine.  A TSA employee grabbed my bag, picked it up, tagged it with the "OK" sticker, and sent it back.  It arrived OK, but no x-ray.  There's only a couple things that can explain this:

1) I got lucky
2) My bag looked e-friggin-normous so they said "screw it"
3) Random bag search
4) Targeted bag search, because my email accounts and blogs have been scanned for rhetorical anti-Bush sentiments

Personally, I think #4 is the most likely.  I think my arrival tipped off the person in charge of investigating guys on their "watch list," who popped out and assured me that I was taken care of.  It's a distraction thing.  See, the guy who grabbed my bag didn't come back to get anyone else's stuff.  It's not like he was taking every, oh, 20 bags and giving them a thorough once-over.  He took mine, and mine alone as far as I know.  It could be a coincidence, like his shift just ended, or he was covering for someone during their smoke break, but I can't think of one reason why TSA or the airports deserve the benefit of the doubt when it comes to my civil liberties.  It's too weird.  I say I'm on The List.  The one that Ted Kennedy's on that keeps him from boarding airplanes.  (No, not "10 Most Wanted DWI Fatties," I mean the homeland security list.)

Anyway, the purpose of this post is as follows: if I end up disappearing for some reason, without a trace, it's safe to assume that TSA kidnapped me. I'll be in Gitmo or Abu Ghraib, with a bag on my head and electrodes attached to my balls.  Oh, and someone will have defiled the Sports Guy's new book in an attempt to abuse my foreign value system.

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